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ONE OF THE GHASTLIEST ASPECTS OF THE SUPPOSedly joyous holiday season is the brutal exposure of Media Person to more news than he needs about toys. As an information addict, MP is helpless before the onslaught. He does not care that the average American girl possesses eight Barbie dolls. He does not care that Barbie is being retooled at the factory to give her smaller breasts, a wider waist and thinner hips so she will look good in pants. And yet these idiotic factoids are permanently graffitied on MP's cranial walls as a result of encountering too many network Barbie bulletins and earnest op-ed pieces contending that the inane pygmy has warped the psychosexual development of an entire generation of American womanhood. Meanwhile, he can't seem to keep in his head why Asia's financial system is collapsing.
Neither does Media Person give a fig for the hottest toy of the season, Sing & Snore Ernie, despite the fact that it was obviously modeled after him and not one royalty check has arrived at the MP hovel. This pajama-clad homunculus yawns and says, "I'm so sleepy" when his hand is squeezed and, when placed on his back, immediately falls into a snoring, stomach-heaving stupor. Or would if you could...