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Pastor Erik argues the other way. Because we have belief in a better world and in the power of the Gospel, we can validly be more prone to disappointment than our agnostic friends. First they had to accept a different worship, with more modern language, less stuffy hymns and less pious worship. Does it count as failure? I am told 'absolutely not!' Further analysis of worshipping numbers show that during the same six-year period, the average decline In worship attendance for the whole of the LCA and LCNZ districts were 17% and 20%. Crap, I say! I don't need more time with my Lord, I just need my head read for ever thinking that I was going to single-handedly halt the decline of the current way of doing church in the Lutheran countryside.
At the time of writing, Pastor Erik was serving in the KEVS side of the Angaston Parish in SA. Serving them has been a two-way ministry. He has cared for them while they have slowly rebuilt his confidence after issues encountered in his first parish caused him to become suicidally depressed. It was a tough call whether to share his mental illness with them, but it has proven to be a good thing. His openness has encouraged others, particularly men in his rural community to speak up and seek help. It is strange that some people think that if they have enough faith and trust, that good Christians shouldn't become depressed. Pastor Erik argues the other way. Because we have belief in a better world and in the power of the Gospel, we can validly be more prone to disappointment than our agnostic friends.
I was called in my mid-forties to become a minister of the LCA. I wish it were otherwise.
I have special gifts; everyone tells me so. I have been in the secular workforce for 25 years, have run a small business and nearly been bankrupt a few times. I have had a go at farming, struck the worst drought in living memory (two years after the previous worst drought in living memory) and almost been bankrupt again. I can talk to old ladies about chooks, old farmers about their favourite Chamberlain tractor, young farmers about their dad's never relinquishing their hold on the chequebook and to farmers' wives about how come their husband will happily buy a comfy air ride seat surrounded by a million dollars of harvester, but won't replace their thirty-year-old lounge suite. Obviously I was an ideal candidate for the ministry.
I have been working in a small rural parish to the east of the Barossa Valley in SA. It consists of three small congregations, who have all put in above their means to secure the services of a shepherd, a Pastor. I know what it is to struggle for money and I don't take their sacrifice lightly.
For six years we have been working faithfully together and they say it is going very well. So why then am I severely depressed about It? Every Sunday afternoon I breathe a sigh of relief at having performed my duty adequately and then every Monday morning I look at the lectionary texts for the next Sunday and my heart sinks.
My heart sinks because I have already preached through the lectionary cycle twice now. The first time was daunting, the second time was exciting and the third time? What more is there to say about Matthew's Gospel? Why is Matthew so grumpy during the 'after Pentecost' season? Why is it called a 'Gospel' and each week there is a struggle to find the 'Good News' in the text? How many times can I explain that Jesus is in a bad mood because it is the week before his death?
I struggle on. I write something for a sermon - eventually - on Sunday morning. I know it isn't very good, but my parishioners are still thankful to be fed something. Yes I know I can look up sermons on the internet and I do. I even look at the ones for lay reading on the LCA Commission on Worship website. Many of these are from good Lutheran Pastors whom I know and some of whom I admire. But the sermons are mostly crap. They are mostly pious platitudes about Jesus' love, without actually tackling the essence of the text in front of me. Most of them don't even have 'Good News' in them.
I attend confirmation and I smile. I attend Women's Fellowship and I smile. I attend Church Council and I smile. I pry myself out of bed on Sunday mornings and attend church and I smile. I am a hypocrite, but I wear my mask well as I have trained myself to do. Why is ministry so hard? Jesus says to come to me all who are weary for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Maybe I am not such a good minister after all?
I am not sure, because we 'Brothers' don't talk about our failings much, but I suspect that many of you are similarly discouraged and burdened by ministry. As a profession, we are not used to thinking about our calling systemically; we have been trained to think about our work in the light of a personal relationship with our Lord. We are told that if we spend enough time in prayer and meditation and in personal study of the scriptures that we will get through these 'personal' crises.
I have had to take sick leave for a few weeks and I have had time to ponder the big questions that are bringing me down and yes they are partly personal, but they are also church wide. Jesus has called me to minister to my rural parish and I do. I get a tick for that. However I believe that Jesus has also called me to grow the church, to send the Gospel to the corners of our community. To "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you." (Matthew 28:1920a). How am I going with that? How are we going with that?
Part of my calling as a late-comer, was to help to gently change our church. Maybe it is presumptuous of me or maybe God was being presumptuous, but that was what I really believed. Unfortunately I wasn't given any help during my training at ALC, because I quickly found out that they weren't interested in helping me develop what I saw as my special gifts or insights. When I tried to talk about the need for our church to change I was treated with suspicion and got into more trouble than I care to recall. I put my head down and got through my training, but I never forgot my calling. You never do.
Out in the parish I found many people who were ready for change; and an equal number who were not. I focussed on gently leading them to a place where they felt comfortable with changes in language in worship, with a few more modern songs (from the 80s and 90s) and even got them to feel comfortable laughing at jokes during the sermon. I continued to teach and preach about welcoming the stranger and making themselves more friendly to visitors. Now, six years later I find myself profoundly depressed!
Upon reflection, I realised that I had set myself/ourselves subconscious goals. In order to fulfil Jesus 'Great Commission' in Mathew 28, our churches had to change. It wasn't good enough to faithfully preach the Gospel within the confines of our church walls and then wait for the newly converted or lapsed to come flooding In, we had to get out there amongst the community. Or at least somebody had to and that somebody was me and it was also my parishioners.
For the first three years I had been priming them to be ready. First they had to accept a different worship, with more modern language, less stuffy hymns and less pious worship. Not that God minded, but if outsiders were going to come into our church, they had to have at least some idea of what was going on. Asking them to 'repent of their transgressions' and to sing hymns with 'thee's' and 'thou's' in them, not to mention 'portals' and 'precepts' was always going to be too big a step. So change they graciously accepted and did and after that, my subconscious told me, it was just a matter of sitting back and waiting for the newcomers to enter in.
Other subconscious goals that I had set or that would indicate a successful ministry were obviously an increase in membership. Oh, and a youth group might be useful too, not to mention young families with children ... How had I gone after six years? Surely after six years something should have happened?
Let me see. Between all three congregations: baptisms 9; weddings 3, funerals 13; confirmed 10. The youth group lasted for a year and then disappeared, although there is some sort of a Sunday School happening, although we can't call it that or else we will scare people away. Membership? Average worshipping members have declined over the six years by 3%, 4% and 12% for my three respective congregations.
Does that count as success? No! Does it count as failure? I am told 'absolutely not!' Further analysis of worshipping numbers show that during the same six-year period, the average decline In worship attendance for the whole of the LCA and LCNZ districts were 17% and 20%.
Wow, I am a brilliant success! Why don't I feel like it? Why am I severely depressed and burnt out?
Some would direct me to more personal 'Jesus time' in prayer and meditation. Crap, I say! I don't need more time with my Lord, I just need my head read for ever thinking that I was going to single-handedly halt the decline of the current way of doing church in the Lutheran countryside. How on earth did I think we were going to grow, when the number of people of breeding age in the district was going down? Everyone who might possibly walk in through our doors had already been in through them and decided it was for them or else had been severely offended by us and were most unlikely to want to come back for a second dose.
So what do we do about the 'Great Commission'? What do I do about my personal call to prepare my little congregations for the 'new way' of doing church? How do I remain upbeat and inspired, while watching my little rural congregations slowly (or rapidly) die? It isn't just me! Our district has a 'Mission' director and a 'Church Planting' director. Mate, there's no-one left to do mission and the only Church Planting that is going to happen is six feet under!
This isn't only a personal crisis, this is a systemic crisis! The Australian Lutheran Church as we know it is not going to survive longer than another twenty years in rural districts. What are we doing to guard our ministers against depression? Do I just have to dumb down my expectations? Do I have to try to set more realistic expectations about the power of the Gospel to transform my rural community? Do I have to find some better anti-depressants? ... Or should I go to the big smoke where at least there are more people?
Copyright Openbook Publishers May 2018