Content area
Full text
A Marine writes about his PTSD experience
All in all I made four trips over to the "sandbox." It was upon returning from my second trip that I began to notice "changes" in myself. By changes I mean I was more irritable, paranoid for no reason, unable to sleep, and had trouble focusing when around other people. At the time my wife and I agreed that I would not deploy again for a while. Well, after about 1 month at home, I began yearning to go back. The Marines and sailors in my charge were asking me daily to go back with them. So late one night 1 approached my wife with my idea of returning to Iraq. She began to cry and said that I should go, bring the boys home safely, and get this out of my system. From that day forward, my symptoms went away. After all, I was going back to the fight, back to shared adversity, where the tempo is high and our adrenaline pulses through our veins like hot blood. It is in this place that there is no time for posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
That third trip did not go as planned. I lost two Marines less than 2 months after arriving in theater. I cannot describe what a leader feels when he does not bring everyone home. To make matters even worse, I arrived at the welcome home site only to find that those two Marines' families were waiting to greet me as well. I remember thinking, "Why are they here?" From then on my life began to spiral downward. Not only did I have orders to transfer to Quantico and would have to deal with the stress of moving my family, but I was also experiencing the loss of the two Marines, having to communicate with their families, and saying goodbye to my platoon while dealing with my PTSD, which was back with a vengeance.
I checked into my new command about 1 ½ months later. My first day was painful. I couldn't seem to function around others. The sergeant major sent me home and told me to be standing outside his door at 0700 the following morning. The next morning arrived and the sergeant...