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Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart in a border of roses.) ; Photo: (Cover: Date like a man) ; Photo: (Cover: Get a Life then Get a Man) ; Photo: (Cover: The rules) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart dangling above a fire.) ; Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A broken heart.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A purple heart with little holes going through it.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A bandaged heart.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A puzzle of a heart missing a few pieces.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart on a chalkboard slate.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart cut out of a red paper.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (Heart with an eye as a man's head.) ;
From the prim and proper books of the 1950s to the newsstands stacked with the women's magazines of today, there has never been even a moment in the last 50 years that women have lacked for dating advice.
Call him. Don't call him. Plaster on the makeup and wear provocative clothes to attract a man. No, be fresh- faced and natural -- guys like that. Play coy games. Be up front and real. While there has been no lack of advice, it's often been contradictory and confusing.
Though it may be tempting to simply dismiss all this dating guidance as silly and unnecessary -- after all, people managed to pair off for centuries without the help of Cosmo and the like -- it's impossible to ignore the fact that an entire industry has been built on helping women navigate their way through the dating world. Somebody must be shelling out the bucks that fuel this booming business -- and what a big business it is.
Pay a visit to any suburban mega-bookstore and you'll find an entire section devoted entirely to the subject of relationships. (It's most likely right next to the ever-growing self help section.)
Countless titles tackle difficult subjects such as: how to meet a man, how to flirt with a man, how to make love to a man and how to get over that very same man. The number of dating books on the market has seen a dramatic increase in the past decade, especially in the last five years. Although there is no scientific way to measure the impact of one particular book, you'd probably be hard- pressed to find anyone denying the 1995 sensation, The Rules (Warner Books), is the biggest dating book of them all.
Controversial from day one, The Rules is comprised of 35 dating rules which make up a strict courtship system. The phenomenal success of The Rules resulted in thousands of Rules Girls, whose idea of snagging a man to marry revolved around not returning his calls, keeping their mouths shut and never discussing The Rules with their therapists (because, according to the book, "some therapists will think that The Rules are dishonest and manipulative" -- imagine that!).
While there are still hard core Rules Girls out there getting men to pay for every dinner and refusing dates with men who ask them out for a Saturday date after Wednesday, the book left many women angry and baffled.
But now there's no need for non-Rules Girls to despair. There's a new breed of dating books on the shelves -- and these books are all about being sassy, smart and taking all men matters into their own hands (yes, you can call him). Welcome to the post-Rules dating world.
"The reason I wrote my book was 100 per cent reactionary to The Rules," says Jennifer Bawden, author of Get a Life Then Get a Man (2000, Penguin Putnam). "Everywhere you went, everybody was talking about it. It was very upsetting to my girlfriends and I that young women around the world were reading [the book] and following The Rules on how to trick and trap a man into marriage by playing games and playing hard to get."
Bawden, who grew up in Calgary, but now lives in New York City, was in the midst of a successful career as a fashion designer when The Rules was released. But instead of just complaining about the book over cocktails with her fellow single friends, she decided to do something about it.She put together a proposal, landed an agent and took a three month sabbatical to write the book. Three years and hundreds of interviews later, Bawden's book hit the stands to a overwhelmingly receptive audience.
"It's high time that women became equals in the dating game," she explains. "What's happening is that women are waiting around to be approached by men. There's a cultural shame associated with a woman calling a guy up, asking a guy out or approaching a guy. Women have been told for centuries that they're supposed to be demure, stand in a corner, wait for a guy to approach them. Don't let a guy know that you're interested in him and God forbid ever that you let a guy know that you're interested in him and absolutely -- as The Rules Girls say -- never, ever call a man."
The kinds of games advocated by The Rules no longer apply. According to Myreah Moore, author of Date Like a Man (2000, HarperCollins) and the woman who's been dubbed America's Dating Coach, men are sick and tired of women who try to mess with their heads.
Moore is a firm believer in women asserting themselves honestly in the dating world.
"I don't play the games, I'm very candid. I'll let you know exactly what I want, I set boundaries," Moore says of the dating methods she practises and preaches. "And if they don't want to play, they don't want to play.
"Guys love that. I tell women all the time, men are not as complicated as you think -- they're very simple beings. We are much more complicated."
Perhaps women are indeed more complex than men (we'll leave that for psychologists to debate) and that could very well contribute to the confusion many single women express when it comes to the state of their dating lives.
But both Bawden and Moore point out in their respective books that the early steps for any woman weaving her way through the dating jungle must be empowering herself, organizing her life and getting to know exactly what she's looking for, all the while avoiding common mistakes women habitually make.
"You have to make sure you're dating guys or looking for guys who are looking for the same things that you're looking for," says Bawden. "Many women just jump blindly into relationships without first assessing, does he have the qualities I'm looking for long- term? Is he in the same stage of life that I am?"
Another pitfall for women is their tendency to put all their eggs in one basket (so to speak). "What happens with a lot of women is they put their attention on one man.
"Then they go into that relationship and then they wait until it runs its course and then they get into another relationship -- that's a lot of wasted time. They could be dating this guy for five months or five years when they really should have had five dates with him."
Five months, five years, five dates -- regardless of how long a relationship lasts, there are still an awful lot of women out there sizing men up on the basis of whether or not they fit their profile of the mythical Mr. Right.
Mr. Right may sound like a quaint and antiquated notion, but it's been programmed into a woman's mind, often from an early age.
Remember girlhood bedtime stories of the dashing Prince Charming riding to the princess' aid? But somewhere along the way, the line between the fairy tale and reality got blurred.
"I don't believe in the idea of just one Mr. Right -- I think there are different people in your lifetime that you meet and it's a matter of timing.
"I also know that it doesn't matter how compatible you are with somebody, if they don't know that they want you as strongly as you want them, the relationship is never going to work," says Bawden. "You've got to have two people who are coming from the same place and ready for the same thing."
Moore also thinks it's about time women let go of the idea of finding Mr. Right and take the time to enjoy the process of dating.
"Women are so caught up (with dating) because they are so goal oriented about finding Mr. Right that they can't even be with the person they're with -- they're checking them out as a potential mate, a potential father, instead of being with the person," explains Moore.
"Relax, breathe, have some fun and date a lot. That's the difference between men and women. Men date a lot and when they are ready to get married, out of that dating a lot, they know exactly what they're looking for."
Moore has developed a philosophy that proposes single women study and adopt many of the dating practices of men. Her "pair and a spare" concept dictates that women date three men at once and not to take it all so seriously.
"(Men) figure, as long as I'm not married or engaged, I'm a free agent and I think women should take that on even more so. What we do, is once we find somebody that has what you call `potential,' we get totally intoxicated by the guy.
"And we don't even see the person anymore, he becomes a fantasy, where if you had two other guys waiting in the wings, you'd get perspective."
Dating more men also makes you a better date, especially when you take the pressure off yourself to land your "dream man." It allows you to actually get to know men and truly enjoy their company. Plus, you'll develop a well-informed outlook on yourself: what you want and what you like.
"I have no issues with dating great guys that you know you're not going to marry -- I think you should date different guys at once," says Bawden. "You don't need to be sleeping with all these guys, but at least be dating different guys so you know what's out there."
So toss out The Rules, forget Mr. Right, date a lot and above all, don't play games or alter your personality to please a man. As Myreah Moore says, laughing, "I've had a lot of men and I ain't changing for nobody."
Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart in a border of roses.) ; Photo: (Cover: Date like a man) ; Photo: (Cover: Get a Life then Get a Man) ; Photo: (Cover: The rules) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart dangling above a fire.) ; Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A broken heart.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A purple heart with little holes going through it.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A bandaged heart.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A puzzle of a heart missing a few pieces.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart on a chalkboard slate.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (A heart cut out of a red paper.) ; Color Photo: Knight Ridder Newspapers / (Heart with an eye as a man's head.) ;
Copyright Southam Publications Inc. Jun 2, 2000