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We get to choose what the Queen has for her 80th birthday dinner? Cool. Well, I think she should do it in style. There must be great tables of English oak, and a merry band of Gypsy musicians for Philip to insult. Charles can sit on his own table in the pantry, because he's too boring and would try to talk about tedious things like inter-faith understanding. Fergie's not invited. There will be hounds lying around waiting for bones to be tossed to them - corgis will do, I suppose. And a pole so Tara Palmer-Tomkinson can do some sexy dancing. To James Blunt. With James Blunt, possibly.
There will be lap dancers for Harry; William will come as a chav. To drink there will be flagons of ale and jugs of mead. To eat there will be suckling pig, and venison, and a baby dik-dik deer, murdered by William on a visit to Harry's girlfriend's game park in Zim. But the piece de resistance will be a lark stuffed into a quail stuffed into a snipe stuffed into a woodcock stuffed into a guinea fowl stuffed into a...