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Whether you live in a tiny studio apartment or a four-bedroom house with a big yard, homes require maintenance. Your relationship, as you’ve probably learned by now, benefits from the same type of upkeep — and a big part of that is contributing your fair share in your shared space. Doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or mowing the lawn not only takes the load off your partner; it also shows that you value their time.
Rarely, though, is household labor perfectly balanced in a relationship. There may be chores you’re not good at or just don’t want to do, so your partner picks up the slack. To some degree, that’s normal. But if you don’t want to do something so much that you find yourself pretending you’re no good at it — maybe you purposely fold laundry poorly or always “forget” to load the dishwasher the right way — you’re guilty of a phenomenon called weaponized incompetence.
At first, you may feel relief about getting out of chores, but this dishonest behavior can quickly take a toll on your relationship. It’s important to recognize it and root it out at all costs.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
Sometimes called strategic incompetence, weaponized incompetence is “pretending to be incapable or insufficient at some task so that someone else will do it for you,” says Michigan-based marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec.
A feigned inability to contribute can manifest in a few ways. Someone may, for example, act like they don’t know how to mop the floors so they don’t have to do it. Or maybe they try something, but purposely do a bad job.
“For example,” says therapist Kara Nassour, “if the man is asked to do the laundry and doesn’t want to do it, he may intentionally let a garment shrink or lose one of the socks so his wife will do the job properly next time.”
Weaponized incompetence can also be more subtle, especially if someone feels like their partner’s expectations about the...