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Clin Soc Work J (2012) 40:4655
DOI 10.1007/s10615-011-0334-5
ORIGINAL PAPER
The Tango of Loving Hate: Couple Dynamics in High-Conict Divorce
Ziva Levite Orna Cohen
Published online: 17 February 2011 Springer Science+Business Media, LLC 2011
Abstract This article explores the dynamics of couples embroiled in high-conict divorce through the theoretical prism of British object relations theory. Such couples are often characterized by primitive object relations, and use splitting and projection as a way of being in the world. The fear of the ex-spouses retaliation is accompanied by fear of their own destructiveness and a desire to make reparation; however, attempts at reparation at this level of relational functioning rarely achieve reconciliation. In fact, such dynamics create a cycle of terror, retaliation, and failed reparation attempts that in turn leads to further terror, splitting and projection, with the resulting outcome often a high-conict divorce.
Keywords High conict divorce Object relations couple
therapy British object relations theories Primitive object
relations Splitting Projection Retaliation Reparation
Introduction
This article explores the dynamics of couples embroiled in high-conict divorce through the theoretical prism of British object relations theory. In this article, we examine why certain couples manage to untie the marital bond without appreciable difculty, whereas other couples remain in a state of high conict even after divorcing. What
are the specic dynamics that cause the ongoing, circular nature of conict in such couples?
The term high-conict divorce, as used in this article, refers to couples who have been engaged in the divorce process for at least 2 years and whose relationship is characterized by many of the following attributes: high degree of anger, hostility, and distrust; incidents of verbal and/or physical abuse; high rate of custody litigation; and ongoing difculty in communicating about and cooperating over the care of their children (Johnston and Roseby 1997). The complexity of the couple dynamic in situations of high conict has been aptly captured by Bollas (1987) mutually contradictory term: loving hate. As Mitchell (2002) writes, sometimes romantic passion turns into intense hatred and a thirst for revenge (p. 119), with both intense love and intense hate expressed metaphorically in the context of a passionate, collaborative dance. Hence, the cyclical pattern of fear, retaliation, and failed attempts at reconciliation that may characterize the marital...