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YOU HAVE to hand it to our friends at Salomon Brothers, the house that will let nothing stand in its way of paying monster bonuses to its own staff and generally having a good time. Do you want to ask whether the shareholders have a good time? Save your sympathy for a lop-eared rabbit or a wingless fly.
First, Solly does indeed pull a lop-eared rabbit out of the hat with that eye-catching $2bn multiple tranche issue for CSX. What did the house doctor prescribe for Solly's international league table position which has recently been showing the first signs of rigor mortis? Yes, you are right, a $2bn booster shot straight in the butt.
Don't listen to those spoilsport competitors who inundated us with calls saying, "The CSX bonds are no more internationally distributed than a box of New York subway tokens." Of course there was significant overseas demand.
We rang Charlie Berman to receive some confirmation, but he was out on the road in search of that elusive European global mandate which will make Merrill Lynch and Goldman Sachs green with envy - who said "Dream on"?
We then called the admirable Mark Watson, by whom so many clients seem to be mesmerised. He said that "more than two subway tokens worth" had been sold outside the US. Does it really matter?
We can be absolutely certain that a modest bundle of bonds went into the retirement accounts of Charlie Berman, Mark Watson and our pal Doc 'Bertie' Richards who has always liked dogs.
Then don't forget the Charlie McVeigh pension fund, thought to be about the same size as the Italian black economy, and of course 'Sugar' Myojin would have taken $10m for the family hamster.
If that's not real overseas distribution we will personally apologise to the hamster.
BUT did Salomon have another publicity ace up its sleeve, or was it the trouser leg? Very recently the firm had tried to snowball US investors with a $1.25bn perpetual issue for the Philippines secured by Imelda Marcos' shoe-shop receipts. "A brilliant piece of securitisation," commented one admiring competitor.
However, the retail moms and pops didn't altogether appreciate the steam vapours coming from the shoe boxes and asked if the Philippines were next...